excerpt from dictation to personal journal today

The following is a portion of some dictation that I did earlier, as in a few minutes ago and thought that I would post it here.

I always seem to preach about being honest and open and not hiding behind walls, and reminding myself of the biblical parable about not casting stones. I have my own walls, although I feel, they are more transparent then some and easy to see through. I do acknowledge an interlayer, a personal vault, that even I do not acknowledge and am protective of. Hopefully a day will come, when I can reveal if only to myself what is behind the not so transparent wall within myself. The analogy of the wall is a good one, and seems to be popular or at least to me in this day and age of new age thinking.

It is a bit arrogant of us, which should be no surprise, that we could actually put the label of new age on thinking that has been prevalent for such a very old time. Hunger calls, but I'm learning to ignore the call at least at times and do what I want to do instead of obediently going to the icebox or the cupboard to answer that call. My son and others know my story of  eating toothpaste from hunger on an operation in Vietnam where we were cut off from supplies for several days. I had just eaten a few bites of toothpaste and still had the container in my hand when our resupply helicopters arrived. I'm not sure if it was on purpose or by accident but as I was standing there I saw a carton of C rations fall out of a helicopter. The on purpose would've come from the helicopters being in a hurry to get out of pretty dangerous location. All of Vietnam in the Marine Corps at least, was a dangerous location. The DMZ being the most dangerous of all. Years later my thinking was if I had only waited from 5 to 10 more minutes I would not have had the experience of eating toothpaste, but sometimes even the blink of an eye in time can make a difference in our experiences and as we get older what becomes our personal stories.

work search my least favorite endeavor

I have been expressing to friends and family that when I work it is to buy time for myself so that I might enjoy the things that I enjoy doing without being restricted to a scheduled work routine. This idea started for me about two years ago when I decided to take off two weeks to just do what I wanted to do instead of immediately search for work and continue with what I had been doing for the majority of my life.

My thinking was that I would write, ride my motorcycle, go fishing, visit with friends, read, swim, and just do what I wanted to do. It did not take very long for me to realize that I was not used to not having work and structure and that within three or four days even though I did have the freedom to do what I chose to do I found myself restless and moderately confused with what to do with my time. There was a period of adjustment in which I started a website and converted a book of poetry that I had written titled Words and Feelings into an audio cd. During this time that I had allowed myself this project took up quite a bit of my time, but it was a freedom that I came to really enjoy.

There came a time where I realized that I needed to balance my life and not have it all leaning to one side or the other. I continued to seek that balance and I am much closer ,or would like to feel that I am much closer now than I was when I cut the tether to the structured daily work routine. I truly do now work to afford time for myself and have come to enjoy that time very much no matter what I'm doing. Throughout my life I have written poetry, prose, short stories, journals, and recordings of some of my life experiences. Part of my time now is spent trying to organize and edit those writings, but I tend to get distracted from that by living and enjoying my life each day.

In addition to this blog, I have started a daily Journal which so far I am being fairly consistent at. Fairly consistent being at least every other day. Just recording my thoughts at this time in my life and what is going on in my life. This has been my way of staying in touch with myself for many years, and will remain my way of keeping the connection.

Almost always it is within my thoughts when I write these journals or blogs or whatever term you wish to use to say hello and how are you, and hope that you are having a good day. Those comments are not so much directed to me but to whoever might read whatever it is that I am recording. We do not know when we express ourselves in this form who might someday come across the writings of a fellow human being and their interpretation and observations of life from their perspective. I have been very fortunate to have many life experiences which have given me my own  view of life, myself, and of fellow human beings.

I am currently seeking employment to buy myself some more time, but realize that the inventory of time is limited for me as it is for us all. Enjoy your time, and enjoy time for yourself , your family and your friends , and even people that you pass along the way, who are all a part of this life and your life.