Returning gifts

June 5, 2011,
it has been six days, and I had to stop to add those since I have been laid off. Surprisingly it did not take me that long to readjust from nights to days. I've gotten back into my dictation program for a few e-mails with this is the first morning that I felt like recording more than a few e-mails. I dictate now hesitantly realizing that I'm probably getting too much thought to what my next words will be instead of trusting that they will be what they should be.

In the days to come now that I have some time I need to have my eyes examined because I believe that they are getting weaker even though they still serve me well I can tell. Still continuing with my exercising, but have lagged a bit, eating habits, reminding me of former habits that have contributed to my poor health. Three days ago one day after being laid off I realized how very healthy I did feel and how very strong I feel. It was a nice change from hearing so many aches and pains that friends and relatives seem to point out. It occurred to me that I had nothing to complain about in the way of health and that everything was well.

This reminded me of when I first came Morro Bay and remember the feeling and experience the feeling once again of happiness. This is been twice within the past four years that while here in Morro Bay I have had remembrances in the reoccurrence of feelings that have lain dormant in seemingly had been gone from my life. Thinking romantically this morning without giving structure to this thought I'm hopeful that there are other feelings that have lain dormant in seemingly gone from me that will avail themselves. This goes with my probably romantic thought that everything that we need is there we just have to have patience to wait for it to come to us. The more that we try to pursue what we feel that we need probably as pursuing what we want and therefore is seemingly difficult to obtain.

It is much better for me when I do not look to the  screen to try to correct what I'm saying  with this dictation program. The problem that I have been watching the screen is that I spent a lot of time in corrections and by a lot of time i mean my impatience in spending any time at all in correcting for what I was trying to write and  in this medium say.

There is also a radio playing in the background and I'm not sure if perhaps that's not interfering of if it is my southern accent which is not the most in clarity unless forced to be so. Again the thought of forcing something does not set well with me but then I think that force can be equated with motivation and when it comes to self-motivation a certain amount of force required or you do not move in the direction's that your mind might think you need to move in. My mind this morning is moving me to make a trip to Tucson, which I will probably do within the next two days.

It does feel good to resume recording thoughts once again and reminding myself and bringing to my attention where I am at this time on my path or trail journey or whatever term people use to identify with existence. The song just came on which is telling a story about Mexican horse thieves. It has a bit of a haunting melody and probably telling a great story of some Mexican horse thief. I may get up and turn off the radio because my mind does go to music and I believe most people's minds do go to music.

In the past few days I have wondered if my desire or ability if you can call it an ability to write and hopefully to create had left me. This is not the first time that I have felt this feeling and I'm always grateful when the ability if that is what this  is, or the desire, or need to express returns. Perhaps it is from loneliness and my thoughts this morning at not having anyone that would have that much time to devote to my seemingly endless supply of stories, philosophies, and curiosities. I am rechecking the screen as our record but not as I do record and what I just noticed when I checked the previous Was the Combination of Stories Philosophies, and Curiosities. My thought was that would make a good title and may indeed be the title to the poem or more extended thought since I for some reason have not written as much poetry as I have in the years to this time.

I have expressed to myself and others that I believe that poetry was the quickest way for me to get to my emotions in keeping with my ability and probably inherent trait of guilt. I then blame myself for being too lazy in the expression of what I was thinking, and perhaps misleadingly thought that if I wrote more details of my feelings that they would be more clear or more understood. I'm reminded of when I first began reading the King James version of the Bible at how humbled I was that such short to the point sentences not even poetry could relay an idea. My ego was high because I could write poetry but not necessarily for what I had to say through that poetry. It could be that when I reread my poetry that is why it is like reading it for the first time. When the thoughts came to me as a gift I didn't understand what I was writing, more importantly I did not feel what I was writing. The novelty it seems of rereading old writings especially poetry but not to exclude any other writings is that whatever the messages were that were there were not being received by me but they were being related by me if for no other purpose than for me to read years and years later when I finally get it, get the point or points. Funny way to look at it as if leaving notes for myself ahead of time. But the notes come from somewhere else and that somewhere else is life.